Narcissism 102

[00:01:30] Signs of narcissistic abuse

• Warning Signs or Red Flags
  • Narcissists are quite grandiose, seeing themselves as exceptional
  • Most of their relationships are superficial
  • Validation seeking
  • Constant pull to please them
  • You feel like what you’re doing is never enough

“Narcissistic relationships are fundamentally unbalanced.”

They treat people like a healthy person treats products – and they feel entitled to do so.

[00:05:31] Different types of narcissism

Feels like you’re just in their reality show. Both types are entitled, just from a different view – and can change presentations of their narcissism.

*Remember these are patterns over time, these behaviors are pervasive*

• Grandiose – stereotypical, charming, arrogant, charismatic, extroverted
• Covert (Vulnerable) – nice, sullen, depressed, withdrawn
  • Take advantage of people pitying them.

“And if you ever try to set boundaries or walk away or ask for a more balanced relationship, they will blame you, guilt you, and shame you for that.”

They treat people like a healthy person treats products – and they feel entitled to do so.

[00:07:50] Narcissistic behaviors and red flags

• Changes in your own thinking, trying to make sense of conversations
  • Cognitive Dissonance
• Justifying or rationalizing someone’s behavior – allowing wiggle room
• Consistently in flight, fight, freeze or fawn responses
  • These get activated because your nervous system is telling your body you are unsafe
    • Fight – stand your ground, always activated
    • Flight – stay too busy or distracting yourself
    • Freeze – Shutting down, withdrawn, disconnected
    • Fawn – Feeling the need to people please, how to support others – the need to choose between your needs or theirs
• This person can either be the hero or the victim, always – can’t ever be on the same level as you
  • They cannot be neutral
  • Narcissists do things to look good

[00:19:21] Narcissists and their motivations

“That’s the hallmark trait of narcissism is a lack of empathy.”

• Narcissistic cycle of abuse is to idealize, devalue, then discard
• How does someone become a narcissist?
  • Learned pattern
  • Genetic component – generally have a disagreeable temperament
  • Struggle regulating emotions
  • Environment – overindulging in outward appearance and underindulging on emotions
  • Lack of empathy
  • Mid to Upper 20s – when their personality is set

[00:28:08] Setting boundaries with narcissists

• Narcissists feed off of your emotions, become gray rock – keep things unemotional, very bland and minimal
  • Do not cross any boundaries of conversations
• Keep your “bubble” small – do not let them expand your bubble or pressure you to come into your physical and mental space
• People who are most resistant to narcissists are those are confident in themselves and are unafraid of their thoughts and feelings
• Silent boundaries – create these in your mind, reaffirm truth and reality for yourself
  • This could be writing things down – you can show them or keep to yourself

“When you no longer attach to what the narcissist says, that’s when you really start taking your power back.”

[00:34:49] Setting boundaries and healing

• You are conditioned to feel guilty
  • Where is the line where “I” matter vs they matter?

“It’s a multi-layered attack on your sense of self, a dismantling of who you are and what you believe you’re worth.”

[00:37:08] Getting out of an abusive, narcissistic relationship

• Malignant narcissists are almost always considered abusive – manipulative, emotional abuse
• Mild narcissist are not always abusive, though they may not be a good partner
• Recognize – put the puzzle pieces together
• Detach and disengage
• Decide not to decide

[00:39:57] Surviving Narcissistic Relationships

“And somebody, at least one person will listen to this, and I think they will feel seen and validated because, you know, in different situations of my life where I’ve had specific things happen, I felt like I was the only one.”